Let me guess:
One partner feels alone and like they don’t matter and the other feels they are always being criticized and can’t get anything right. The more one asks for the other to show up, the more the partner disappears physically and emotionally. You both bicker and fight and the idea of sitting and just hanging out seems elusive, if not impossible.
It looks like this:
Something like this?
He walks into the room. He is on his phone and doesn’t acknowledge her.
Does it even matter if I’m here? Her insecurities answer, I don’t matter to him. She doesn’t feel cherished by him. Her insecurities begin to swirl around her bringing the familiar hurt. She hates feeling hurt and small. She’d rather be strong instead and protect her vulnerable heart, so the walls come up. She gets mean when she’s feeling protective – it keeps her safe.
She snaps at him.
“What did I do this time?” He feels constantly criticized. He believes that she doesn’t respect him. He sees her walls come up and the familiar fangs come out. I can’t do anything right, anyway. He feels worthless. He is protective of his vulnerability, too. When he is feeling small he focuses on self-preservation. He detaches, shuts down, and pulls away.
He snaps back at her.
They are off in a familiar cycle– Growing more angry, and more withdrawn, with each round.
Over time, we develop beliefs about our partner, ourselves, and the relationship that are reinforced through our perceptions of our partner and how we interpret their behavior. We are primed and quick to respond to slights, to hold on to the pain caused by past slights, and live with the anticipation of the next slight. Arguments erupt out of the most benign situations because even they becomes proof of the belief we hold.
In addition, Our trauma plays out—and heals— in relationship. From horrific experiences that undermine our safety in the world and relationships to subtle messages that impede our ability to trust.
Often we crave connection but are blocked by the pain and the history that gets in the way. Small fights about little things become battles that highlight our struggle to have our basic relational needs met.
Finding the Way Back
To heal a relationship, it is essential to get under the bickering to the wounded and guarded parts to allow you to reconnect to the person you fell in love with to cultivate a healthy and life-giving relationship.
Identify The Cycle: Identify the pattern in typical conflict and disconnect
One partner feels alone and like they don’t matter and the other feels they are always being criticized and can’t get anything right. The more one asks for the other to show up, the more the partner disappears physically and emotionally. You both bicker and fight and the idea of sitting and just hanging out seems elusive, if not impossible.
Identify the Need: Discover the unmet attachment and intimacy needs
Then we discover the attachment and intimacy needs that get lost behind our protective walls. The relationship becomes safe and promotes vulnerability which allows the authentic connection. Intimacy and emotional needs are met.
Establish the Connection: Use the cycle to create intimacy and connection
After identifying the cycle, the deeper beliefs, and the connection needs discovered in the battles, we are able to stop the cycle that creates disconnection and instead use the cycle to create connection. We find intimacy.
Couples crave intimacy and connection from their partner but feel like there is junk in the way that keeps them separated from that connection. The past hurt leaves us expecting another hurtful encounter. Both members of the couple keep walls up and are self-protective. We cannot be vulnerable with walls up. We are not available to offer or receive authentic connections without vulnerability. We have to let down the guard to connect, and that is terrifying!
The good news is that there are several methods that are backed by Research. At Well Coached Life, our coaches use Emotionally Focused Couples therapy. The ICEEFT site states, “We adhere to the philosophy that relationships are at the core of the human experience. Research indicates that secure attachment and emotionally fulfilling relationships are integral components of mental and physical health and that emotionally focused interventions have the power to establish and re-create supportive bonds among individuals. We are therefore dedicated to the understanding of individual health and dysfunction in the context of relationships with others and the enhancement of couple and family functioning. We believe that all people can maximize their potential given a nurturing social environment, which we endeavor to foster in our work with clients.”
We are here to walk with you and your partner to a fulfilling relationhip.
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